Friday, August 29

"On the road that I have taken,
one day, walking, I awaken,
amazed to see where I have come,
where I'm going, where I'm from.
This is not the path I thought.
This is not the place I sought.
This is not the dream I bought,
just a fever of fate I've caught."

----The Book of Counted Sorrows

It's quite amazing, to find yourself gazing into a mirror where the reflection becomes a stranger to you. Perhaps somehow you didn't quite realise your self, or that you just assumed something else. Maybe so, but nothing just ever seem the same anymore, not when you have by force, or by nature, unplugged yourself from a world where everything seems just fine, to a world where you suddenly seem so insecure, so unsure of your steps. Treacherous, but yet you can handle it, even though you are surrounded by so many unfamiliar faces, deeming even yourself an unknown image. But that's because you are changing. And that's not necessarily a bad deal, the only side effect is that you lose yourself in the person you are trying create.

I don't want that to happen.

Posted by Isabelle at 7:06 pm

Thursday, August 28

It was the autumn of the year;
The strawberry-leaves were red and sere;
October's airs were fresh and chill,
When, pausing on the windy hill,
The hill that overlooks the sea,
You talked confidingly to me, -
Me whom your keen, artistic sight
Has not yet learned to read aright,
Since I have veiled my heart from you,
And loved you better than you knew.

You told me of your toilsome past;
The tardy honors won at last,
The trials borne, the conquests gained,
The longed-for boon of Fame attained;
I knew that every victory
But lifted you away from me,
That every step of high emprise
But left me lowlier in your eyes;
I watched the distance as it grew,
And loved you better than you knew.

You did not see the bitter trace
Of anguish sweep across my face;
You did not hear my proud heart beat,
Heavy and slow, beneath your feet;
You thought of triumphs still unwon,
Of glorious deeds as yet undone;
And I, the while you talked to me,
I watched the gulls float lonesomely,
Till lost amid the hungry blue,
And loved you better than you knew.

You walk the sunny side of fate;
The wise world smiles, and calls you great;
The golden fruitage of success
Drops at your feet in plenteousness;
And you have blessings manifold: -
Renown and power and friends and gold, -
They build a wall between us twain,
Which may not be thrown down again,
Alas! for I, the long years through,
Have loved you better than you knew.

Your life's proud aim, your art's high truth,
Have kept the promise of your youth;
And while you won the crown, which now
Breaks into bloom upon your brow,
My soul cried strongly out to you
Across the ocean's yearning blue,
While, unremembered and afar,
I watched you, as I watch a star
Through darkness struggling into view,
And loved you better than you knew.

I used to dream in all these years
Of patient faith and silent tears,
That Love's strong hand would put aside
The barriers of place and pride,
Would reach the pathless darkness through,
And draw me softly up to you;
But that is past. If you should stray
Beside my grave, some future day,
Perchance the violets o'er my dust
Will half betray their buried trust,
And say, their blue eyes full of dew,
"She loved you better than you knew."

(Taken from Wayward Tempest's "Better Than You Knew")

Posted by Isabelle at 10:56 pm

haiz... dunnoe whether shud go back xinmin anot.. chiam.. i caugtht in between mi current class and xinmin... haiz... my class got party, but i oso wan go back xinmin... haiz.... *sings the song "caught in the middle"*... oh man... what shud i do??? argh....

came home at 12, totally collapsed on my bed, burning like hell... slept for a very long time b4 mi mum came home and brought me to the doctor... my mum totally freaked out, scared i got sars... haha... stupid lar, but i was burning at 39 degrees, so oso got that chance... summore i take taxi the day b4... erm... haha... aniwae, took medicine and slept like a log when i came home... feeling so much better... hmm... maybe i b fair to both sides.. dun go tpj and dun go xinmin... can anot??

Posted by Isabelle at 10:10 pm

Monday, August 25

realised no one from xinmin wans to tok to mi anymore, the exception of a few pple lar... but not much only.. apart from vennie and yixin and my gang, i guess i am no longer quite sociable.. or that they decided they din wan to tok to mi liaoz...
quite ignore mi arh... ni men hao.. bu yao li wo... fine... nothing to sae liaoz...

Posted by Isabelle at 10:43 pm

Oh man, i am deprived.. nb go on net for... erm... one week... almost lar... well, one week deprived of "basic necessities of surviving"... hee... but i still think i am deprived of sleep... hehe.. funnie... as i grow older, i need more and more sleep... dotz... but nbm... feeling quite happy today, course everything's fine and nothing needs to be rushed... aiya, dun say liaoz.. mi wanna sleep on time.. so wun so tired...

Posted by Isabelle at 10:31 pm

Tuesday, August 19

Wa.. i wanna sleep... Mu sleepyyy.... dotz... siaoz liaoz.. no enuff sleep... darn, nothing i say is coherent... man... bu gou sui mian... got drastic effects, such as incoherent sentences and finishing your homework with a lot of blanks.. worst of all is the eye bags.. cannot ta han... chiam.. hope sch ends quicker.. man... i think i am on autorun... everyday like no diff to me leh... everything whirls past... got good and bad effects... bad effects like no sleep... argh... *struggles to stay awake*... summore people like mi the best prescription is to sleep 24 hrs a day.. like tat where can ta han???

Posted by Isabelle at 9:59 pm

Thursday, August 14

It's another week that's past... Well, tomorrow's friday, and that means that I am quite free tonight to relax bah... Well, not really lar, all I wanna do is to sleep... But sleep can wait till tml after school...

My class' recently been plagued by this stupid virus which I think your should have heard it anyway... Blastworm?? sumthing like that?? it auto shuts down your computer... i think it's freaky... anyway, a lot of my classmates kana the virus... then i scared i also tiuo... now desperately trying to prevent the Great Catastrophe... Oh man... super irritated at the people who think of these kind of stupid things to do... Jia ba bo sai pang... Liew... Sun ren bo li ji... lame people...

Posted by Isabelle at 10:28 pm

Friday, August 8

Had a rather nice break yesterday not going to school. Trying to catch everything. And had the most fabulous national day celebration u can ever dream of... oh man, the band (not the band as in trumpets and everything but a real band) was great man!!! oh my god... their singing was TREMENDOUS... and they rock... den they change the song "count on me, singapore" into a super cool song... R & B and everything... never imagine tp you zhe yang the ren cai... oh mi god... (Swoons over the super cool singer...) haha...

Went to TM with my classmates for seoul session... dragged for 4 hours... oh man, dunnoe what we ate aniway... just kept on stuffing ourselves like qi yue fang chu lai de gui... hehe... bu chi bai bu chi rite?? haha... aniway, went window shopping with them after that and walked from century square to TM and back to CS and back to tm... Came back about 6 ba...

Posted by Isabelle at 9:55 pm

Saturday, August 2

Ok, I think I've been overly pressurised by school this week. Crap. Too overcooked. Need rest. Too cooped up at home, trying to do something yet doing nothing. Get the kind of feeling? Like you know you want to do something useful, but you just can't get yourself down to do it. The worst thing is that you don't have an excuse not to do it, like going out. I don't even feel like getting out. Rather down on my cash recently, and don't think it will rise for the time being. Hmm, wonder what I can do at home. Haiz...

Started reading Harry Potter (surprised?). Well, about 500 pages into the story already, left just about 200 pages to finish the book. It's a way of passing the time. Not a bad book anyway. I have no comments about it. Wonder how am I gonna survive tomorrow...???

Posted by Isabelle at 10:39 pm

Friday, August 1

What a week, dealing with stupid people, coping with homework, trying to make time for piano practice, squeezing in for PW meetings... What a whole lot of crap I am doing now. Took me this week travelling alone on bus thinking to figure out that life's pretty cruel sometimes. No, I am not whining about how little breaks I have, nor am I gonna scream that my life sucks right now. I think it's just what life's putting me through that's somewhat unnerving.

You know, watching TV dramas and everything, you wouldn't expect things that are shown would be things that are happening to you rite? I don't know, but I remember my childhood days and watching soaps, and seeing people divorcing, leaving their children fatherless or motherless. Then I thought, nah, can't possibly happen to me. Wrong. Out of so many people that I've met, I only see Kareen’s and my case, and I especially empathise with her.

It's been seventeen long years on earth, and almost fifteen of them were spent without my dad. I can't remember being with my dad when I was young, but I knew we had a very special connection. I see my dad only once a year, but I am not awkward with him. In fact, I have more of an affection for him than I do for my mum unknowingly, that's something that I've just realised last year during my stay with Yixin and Ven. Probably this had to do with genes, and character. Inherited a lot of genes from my dad. I guess things would turn out very differently had my mom be in his place.

I guess not many people know my dad's separated from my mom. Not that I bother explaining anyway, but these things just can't be explained in a few words, so I just shrugged off the subject saying my dad's just working there. The fact is he didn't want to come back. Maybe I am putting him in very bad light, but he's definitely not irresponsible. My mom was partly to blame too. I think if I were my dad, I'd probably have left too. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. All I know was that my parents are separated, and it'll never change for the better.

When I was young, I didn't think my dad wasn't coming back. I just assumed he's taking a break back in his hometown. The break didn't end though, and I was too small to understand what was happening. All I know was that I was always ferried back and forth on plane to spend time with either parent, but not both at the same time. I used to glorify my plane experiences, to cover up the not-so-glorifying fact that my parents are not together, though I still assume my parents would meet back someday.

The fact just didn't hit me until I was older, when I became more mature to know of such things, when my parents finally took a chance to explain to me how they feel towards each other. I didn't cry, didn't sulk, just accepted my fate. I mean, what can I do anyway? Can't just pull them back. I finally realised why I always had to travel on my own. Well. Not that I mind travelling on my own, it's a new experience and I think I feel more at ease that way, because I don't have to be sandwiched between my parents.

That's one major disaster life's put me through, but I guess if life puts you in that situation, life will bring you through that situation. I think I am not very affected (outwardly) by it, but of course I feel the pain sometimes when I miss my dad, I try not to think about it anyway. It's just being optimistic. Everyone has the will to be optimistic, it's just whether you want to be or not. Perhaps it's just another lesson for me to learn to deal with my present situation, having the more than partial loss of a close family. Very close.